My Internal System-Part 1: Into the Mountains

Intro

I wrote a little bit about this previously HERE.

It originally felt like a curiosity, but maybe a little more than that.

I found myself trying to find an image to represent the shame, the cold, and the aloneness that I had felt for so much of my life.

Some of the words that would have fit were:

"Nobody is really there for you."

"You are very alone."

"Nobody cares."

This feeling that seemed to haunt me. I could never quite escape it. As much as I tried to avoid it or push it down, it was always there just waiting to rise up again.

What would it look like if I could see it externally? What could represent the emptiness?

I originally found one painting on Etsy. A cold, bleak, black and white of part of a mountain range. Just snow, rocks, sky. A harshness to it.

What could survive there?

The painting seemed to almost match what I needed. However, upon going back to find it later, it must have been sold, and even the page had disappeared without a trace.

Later, I don't remember if it was weeks or months, I found myself searching again. Back on Etsy. It felt more important this time. Like a blend of curiosity, impulse, obsession, and intention.

One night,

Scrolling,

looking,

scanning,

searching.

Hmmm, what's this?

The original image was much more gray and had very little of this blue in it, so the effect was more dramatic.

"That's it."

Something happened and I didn't even know what. Some tears, and some grief surfaced. Very unusual for me from rarely feeling anything emotionally that I can remember, since back in childhood.

Something in me cracked open.

If I remember correctly, I either took my laptop itself. Or I took a photo of this painting on my phone. I went in on my bed while looking closely at this image.

And then it came.

I sobbed

and sobbed

and sobbed some more.

It's like I knew something or somebody was there trapped in this image.

All alone.

It was over there on the right side, in the second black and gray area of ground and trees.

The image somehow had allowed this hidden part to finally be seen. I could take something that was internal, separate it out, and make it external, represented in some way by this painting.

At first it seemed very vague and very hopeless and depressing. I only thought this first part was the important part of the scene. I didn't think the mountains, or the fog, or any other part of the image meant anything significant. But as I came back to visit this in my mind, I got to see how there were many different layers right here in this world.

Exile

I got a sense that this part was a young boy. Isolated for some reason here. 

Most of my explorations in these mountains was with my own solo work, without a practitioner. As I spent multiple sessions visiting this scene I got to see that this boy was an exile. 

First, I found him here out in the open in the valley. Later, off to the right of the image, up into the ridge, my mind created a cave where this boy would often be in. Just sitting or laying down. There was a hollowed out pocket into the floor of the cave where he would be in curled up sometimes.

So I would visit, picturing myself as an adult going down to see this exile. I would slowly get to ask questions to learn about him.

• How long have you been here?
• What do you need?
• How can I help you?
• Can I bring anything to you so you don't feel so alone?
• Do you have any message you want to share with me?
• Do you have any memories you want to share with me?

His Reactions

I learned that he was a young part, trapped here for a very long time.

Sometimes he was quiet and didn't have much to say.

Sometimes he was furious with me. I would get the image of him hitting me, crying, angry. "Why did you leave me here all alone!? Why didn't you ever come to see me? I've been here for decades! How dare you?!"

Even when going back to visit him, it might be several days or more in-between my visits, and he would get angry at me for abandoning him, for not getting back to him fast enough.

I learned to not make him specific promises I couldn't keep. Instead of saying I would be back to see him tomorrow or this weekend, I let him know I would be back soon, or when I can.

Sometimes, I would go into the scene and I couldn't find him.

Gradually, he softened and started to open up to me. I would find him more often in the open then just curled up in his cave.

Giving the Exile Support

I imagined taking in a drum to him and a mallet, so that he could both get some of his anger out and also send me a signal that he wanted me to visit him.

I pictured taking in a thick wool blanket to keep him warm up in his cave.

Finally, a small wolf puppy materialized in the world and it stayed with the boy to be his pet and to keep him company.

The Exile's Protector

While the puppy provided a sense of protection and comfort to the boy, there was a much larger protector here.

Over time, I got the sense that something was going on with these massive mountains. What if they were not just a static part of the scene. Could they be a part as well?

Eventually, I started asking the mountains questions and they started to talk to me. Here was this huge protector. I originally saw it almost as a sort of abuse or a harshness in how this protector had severely sheltered this little boy. I learned, while it was true he was keeping him isolated and not able to have a real life, these mountains were protecting the exile, not just from getting out, but from external threats getting him from beyond this scene. I came to understand that the mountains were a very wise and strong guardian. It's intention was very good toward the boy.

Practical

Action